At some point in my storied dining career, unbeknownst to me a waiter may have expectorated into my meal.

Unless that did in fact happen, however, the service I experienced at Captain PepperJack's Aero Bistro (2810 Taylorsville Road) last night was the worst I've ever encountered.

My concerns, in order of time (as opposed to egregiousness):

Drinks

• Our waitress asked us for our drink orders without first providing a drink menu. The drink menu she later provided was a wrinkled piece of paper from her pocket, most likely meant for internal use only as scratched out prices showed that Captain PepperJack's recently increased its charges for wine by the glass.
• When asked what beers were on draft, our waitress included "Miller's Lite." While this misspeak had no bearing on my meal, her being unfamiliar with the flagship beverage of America's second largest brewery should have forewarned me that the service might be spotty. But I gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed she was referring to a microbrew from Canterbury. It wasn't.
• Having ascertained that "Cabernet Sauvignon" would confuse our waitress, I said "red" instead. I got white.
• Throughout the meal our waitress repeatedly asked my wife if she'd like more water, which was thoughtful of her, although my wife's glass was close to full already.

Food

• Entrees are called "round trips" on the menu, possibly because you could take one to Denver before your meal was ready.
• A friend and I had to resort to our third choices for side dishes, as Captain PepperJack's was sold out of our first two selections -- which meant it didn't have at least four of its 12 sides. In the end though, I'm not sure if we made our own decisions or simply ordered what the waitress told us she was sure was available.
• Another friend and I ordered the kafta kabobs, which we were later informed Captain PepperJack's was out of.
• Unlike Facebook, I'm not opposed to breast feeding in public. But when a friends' 6 month old had her second feeding in the restaurant before I had my first, I got jealous.
• Our evening was more like a relay race than a shared meal: one friend got -- and finished -- his meal before his wife and I were served.
• Of course, what we got (boeuf brochette platters), wasn't what we ordered (boeuf brochette sandwiches) -- ironic as the platters don't come with side dishes that had caused so much trouble earlier.

Getting the heck out of there

• Wanting to cut our loses, we asked for two to-go boxes and our checks. Only the to-go boxes arrived.
• While the waitress accommodated our request for two separate checks, she didn't honor our request as how they should be divided, apparently mistaking us for swingers.

Back at my friend's house about two hours after we arrived at Captain PepperJack's, I finally ate my dinner. The menu said the boeuf brochette was "marinated in a subtle Mediterranean Sauce." And it was subtle -- much in the same way water is subtle.