Christmas Shopping World Tour: Bashford Manor/Raceland Mall Sampler Edition [Humor]


While Raceland Mall might appeal to the more adventurous or drug-addled shopper, Bashford Manor offers a more subdued and traditional retail environment.  It's also a great place to teach your kids about the Kentucky Derby (without having to involve Jello-shots or an explanation as to why their mom always feels compelled to take her shirt off) courtesy of the horse-race-themed motif.

First off, they have a Chi-Chi’s, which was voted ten years in a row “Best Place to Watch Your Parents Get Sh*t-Faced,” by me and my make believe friend, Senor Lonelyboy.

Bashford Manor also has these two odd sunken pit areas in the middle of the mall that are packed with televisions that always seem to be playing Hee Haw.  Smoking and surliness are encouraged (required?) in this area, so try not to make eye contact with anyone unless you have a lighter.

Looking for the hottest tunes?  Stop by Musicland, which has an amazing selection of cassette tapes and 45s, as well as a general lack of security, as evidenced by the impressive amounts of shoplifting performed their by several members of the Seneca High School Class of 1990. 

Whereas most mall stores have things like walls to prevent people from stealing, Musicland has decided to have this silly brick half-fence thing, like they are trying to pull some sort of Jedi mind trick on would be criminals.  In a way, it's sort of like the inspiration for Napster (let’s just hope those jackholes in Metallica don’t find out about it).

If you’re looking for a tasty snack, stop by Baskin-Robbins, where you can have delicious ice cream served by 16 year-olds with abnormally large right forearms.  Seriously – you all look like a bunch of one-armed Popeyes.  Why don’t you get an anchor tattooed on that thing while you’re at it?

There’s also an Aladdin’s Castle, home to the world’s most frustrating videogame, Dragon’s Lair.   Wow – it look’s just like a cartoon!  Wow – I just paid $1.50 to move three-inches and then fall down an f-ing well!  Avoid it at all cost.  Everyone knows Moon Patrol is the best bang for your buck.

CONS:  Obviously, they’re both a total bitch to find. One looks like an auto mall and the other looks like a home improvement store.  It’s like they don’t want us to shop there.
Bashford Manor has a store named Bacon’s which is so misleading.  It’s like paying for a Hummer, only to find out you just bought a really stupid looking SUV.

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