Christmas Shopping World Tour: Bashford Manor/Raceland Mall Sampler Edition [Humor]

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Additionally, someone thought it would be a good idea to close down the Sizzler next to Bashford Manor.  Are you kidding me?  There should be a Sizzler at every intersection in America. 

Incidentally, I once watched my brother try to make himself vomit at that Sizzler, just because A) he thought it would be funny and B) he hoped it would make the other customers puke as well.  He didn’t achieve his goal, but I’ve never been as proud of him as I was that day.

Another time, a shirtless child, who looked straight up like Mowgli from The Jungle Book, jumped out from behind the salad bar and ran around going full on feral.  No one took ownership of the boy, so I assume he lived there.  Further proof America needs more Sizzlers.

And in case I forgot to mention, Raceland Mall is exactly like that movie The Warriors.  This is only a “con” if you are not comfortable with getting shiv'd by someone in a sleeveless denim jacket.

Does it have a Hot Topic?  Sadly, no.  However, Bashford Manor does have a store where you can get anything your heart desires ironed on to a t-shirt.  I got one with an Ewok arm wrestling Mary Lou Retton on the front and the word “HAMMERTIME” across the back.

On the other hand, Raceland Mall has at least seven dudes aimlessly roaming around the place who sort of look like that creepy skeleton monster from the Iron Maiden album covers.  So it’s sort of like watching a bunch of Hot Topic t-shirts come to life. 

Melt Down for the Ages:  One time I saved up my allowance for a few months so that I could buy a Skeletor action figure at Thornberry Toys.  When I finally had the money and made it to Bashford Manor Mall, I discovered that they only had Teela and Master-At-Arms.  The first was like buying a Barbie doll, the second would be more like if your parents bought you a videogame based on the TV show Trapper John, M.D.  I still haven’t forgiven Thorny the Monkey or He-Man for that injustice.

Final Rating:  Combined, Bashford Manor and Raceland Mall represent everything that is pure and innocent about Louisville.  Separately though, one is a mall with a Hickory Farms and a surprising lack of proper lighting, while the other is an empty building with a few chalk outlines and a “pooping corner.”

If you grew up in Louisville, you probably bought and received a few cool Christmas gifts from one or both of these places (okay – probably just Bashford Manor).  So on that note, I give them both a loud “Thanks for the Memories,” and to each of you, a very Merry Christmas.

 

Photo by a grown man who sucks at drawing (Patrick Fawcett)

About Patrick Fawcett
When I was a boy, I met Darth Vader at Raceland Mall. I also got to hug a Jawa. I have spent everyday since then chasing that high.
More articles from Patrick Fawcett
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