Christmas Shopping World Tour: Green Tree Mall Edition [Humor]


Although the Green Tree Mall has an impressive number of stores, there is a lack of local flavor or even anything remotely unique.  For example, would it kill them to open a place that sells domesticated monkeys that wear funny hats or a place where you can conveniently order AND pick up a Russian mail order bride?

Finally, like most malls, Green Tree does have a Victoria’s Secret, which you’d think would be a positive.  However, once you realize that the only reason the women in your life shop there is because they sell really comfortable fleece pajama bottoms, it sort of loses its shine.  But hey, you’ve still got the internet, right?

Does it have a Hot Topic?  Thank God, yes, which means you can easily buy for all the emo kids and “Twilight” moms in your life.  As an extra bonus, it is located right next to a Razz-Matazz, which is a great place to find less-threatening, yet equally hip gifts, such as mildly racist t-shirts featuring Red Foxx or old R.E.O. Speedwagon concert tees.

Melt Down for the Ages:  Nothing says Christmas like a pissy little kid exploding in a fit of rage and self-entitlement like a bomb made of poor parenting and never-ending faux praise. 

I watched a little boy, maybe eight years old, totally Hulk out on his parents because the M&M bedazzled cookie they bought him from The Cookie Store did not have any yellow candies on top.  While the parents showered him with apologies and fables about a future filled with nothing but yellow M&Ms, the child-shaped rage beast wailed and screamed, frenetically shaking his head like something you’d see in a Tool video. 

In a final act of defiance, the child used his teeth to rip the left leg off of his mother, which he then used to beat his father senseless.  As the mother, drowning herself in a river of tears, draped herself over the unconscious body of her husband, the now silent child calmly walked off, leaving behind two shattered adults, a crowd of shell-shocked onlookers, and a single untouched M&M cookie.

Final Rating:  The Green Tree Mall is a pleasant and sufficient shopping facility.  Although it may seem a bit average and worn out to some, it still gets the job done.  Just like your mom.  I give it 17,329 smiley faces out of a possible 19,712.


Photo: Patrick Fawcett

About Patrick Fawcett
When I was a boy, I met Darth Vader at Raceland Mall. I also got to hug a Jawa. I have spent everyday since then chasing that high.
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