Christmas Shopping World Tour: Jefferson Mall Edition [Humor]

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With Christmas season upon us, it seems like the right time to offer a quick tour of the area’s local shopping establishments.  Previously, we’ve looked at the Green Tree Mall and Oxmoor Center.  Today we turn our attention to Jefferson Mall, voted “Number One Place to Get Your Left Ear Pierced” by Southern High School’s Class of 1988.

Jefferson Mall – Middle Earth, Kentucky

PROS:  For many of us who grew up in Louisville, Jefferson Mall was the “alternative” mall.  While all your east end friends were adjusting their ascots and cleaning their monocles, listening to Depeche Mode and feasting on French Dip sandwiches after a long day of shopping at Banana Republic, you were out at J-Mall in your fringed suede jacket, choking down Orange Julius and blaring Ratt from your Walkman, contemplating the proper way to huff a butane lighter.

In many ways, Jefferson Mall is still alternative.  For example, while most shopping centers sell useful articles of clothing, such as sweaters or slacks, J-Mall has at least twenty stores where you can buy a tuxedo, zoot suit, or any number of outfits for those tricky professional situations that demand you dress like Morris Day.  Additionally, all of these stores have names that include the words Man, Male, Casual, or Today.  In fact, I’m pretty sure there was one called “Today’s Yesterday Casual Man Male.”

Jefferson Mall is also the premiere place to buy air-brushed attire.  You can get literally anything on a t-shirt: Tupac, Biggie, Tupac and Biggie, Biggie and Tupac.  It’s overwhelming.  Personally, I went with Biggie and me wearing cowboy hats and eating corn dogs while surfboarding.

If you are a man, your shopping experience will be enhanced if you have facial hair.  At least, that’s my assumption based on the fact that literally every dude there (including me) had some.  Goatees, Van Dykes, moustaches, or even that dirty looking thing where you leave just a thin line of hair across your entire jaw bone so that if a serial killer ever catches you, he can easily cut your face off by gliding his rusty scalpel across your pencil thin beard-like thing.

If you are a woman, your shopping experience will be enhanced if you spend the entire time looking completely pissed off.  I mean this in the nicest possible way when I say I seriously thought that any lady I made eye contact with would bite me until I bled out.

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