Christmas Shopping World Tour: Jefferson Mall Edition [Humor]

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CONS:  As someone who lived for a time in that area and who spent a great deal of his youth at J-Mall, I struggle to find legitimate criticisms with this place.  Therefore, for the next few paragraphs I will assume the role of one of Louisville’s “shopping elite.”

Do you remember that scene in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers where Saruman builds that giant army of Orcs, and there’s just lava and surliness spilling out all over the place?  That’s exactly what it looks like when you approach Jefferson Mall – anger and heat.  At least Green Tree Mall had the courage to outlaw battle axes.  Shame on you, Jefferson Mall!

Furthermore, there were so many kiosks, I thought I had been transported to some sort of gypsy street market.  At one of them, a strange woman – with a pony tail no less – offered to give me a free massage.  It starts with a neck rub, then the next thing you know, she’s captured your soul and placed it in a cursed gypsy wind chime, trapped forever until a coven of witches spills the blood of some random barnyard animal. 

And finally, did you know that Jefferson Mall is located on the same street as a White Castle?!?  Whatever happened to the high ideals we’ve come to expect from our country’s shopping malls?  Maybe they should just convert the place into a maximum security prison, where street urchins and mythical pig warriors give each other voodoo back rubs and practice poor portion control while denying the good people of Louisville access to an American Eagle Outfitters!

And…scene.

Now that I think about it, I do have one legitimate criticism.  At some point, they shut down Frederick’s of Hollywood.  Although that place was straight up nasty, I feel like by not hanging out there more as a young man, I missed my best chance of meeting an actual high end porn star.

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