Christmas Shopping World Tour: Jefferson Mall Edition [Humor]


Does it have a Hot Topic?  Yes.  In fact, I had the pleasure of watching a middle aged woman engage in a lively debate with her nine year-old daughter about which Wiz Khalifa shirt they should buy for grandma – the one where he’s taking a hit off a fatty or the other one where he’s taking a hit off a fatty.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that although this particular Hot Topic had several Metallica shirts, they did not have one featuring the Master of Puppets album cover, which anyone from Fern Creek will tell you (me included) is an f’ing crime against humanity.  Thomas Jefferson would be spinning in his grave if he knew the mall he built with his own two hands would allow such an injustice to occur.

Melt Down for the Ages:  While shopping at Spencer’s Gifts (or as I like to call it “T-Shirts About Weed and Romance”), I saw a young man get particularly bent out of shape because the shirt he wanted to buy, which referenced a woman and something called “German Knuckle Cake,” did not come in his size. 

I’m not sure he truly melted down, but his tantrum did seem unnecessary considering they had an equally disgusting shirt about something called a “Sioux City Omelet” that should have fit him.  Or at least I’m assuming it would have fit, considering he was roughly the same size as me and mine fit just fine.

Final Rating:  Jefferson Mall is the bomb.  Although it’s not the prettiest thing to look at, it has more personality than a young Steve Guttenberg.  I love this place so much that I won’t stoop to another closing joke about your mom, as that would be disrespectful to Jefferson Mall.  I give it fourteen Calvins-peeing-on-a-Ford-logo out of a possible sixteen.

About Patrick Fawcett
When I was a boy, I met Darth Vader at Raceland Mall. I also got to hug a Jawa. I have spent everyday since then chasing that high.
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