Christmas Shopping World Tour: Mall St. Matthews Edition [Humor]

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With Christmas season upon us, it seems like the right time to offer a quick tour of the area’s local shopping establishments.  Previously, we’ve looked at the Green Tree Mall, Oxmoor Center, and Jefferson Mall.  Today we turn our attention to the Mall St. Matthews.

(Full disclosure – rumor has it that at the time the author visited the Mall St. Matthews for this piece, he might have been suffering from one of the three most profound and debilitating hangovers since that one time in college he decided to make a garbage can full of hooch in his closet, but totally miscalculated not only the proper ratio of pure grain to Juicy Juice, but also the number of people he thought would drink it with him.  We hope what tiny shred of professionalism Mr. Fawcett might have had was not compromised by this development).

The Mall St. Matthews – Louisville, KY

PROS:  First off, I was totally impressed by how structurally stable the mall itself was, as well as its adherence to the basic laws of gravity.  From the moment I stepped in, the building never once began to spin out of control as long as I didn’t turn my head or look down at any point.

Furthermore, their bathrooms were clean and roomy, with enough floor space to spread out and toilets that were well equipped to handle even the most violently regurgitated tuna fish sandwich.

But the Mall St. Matthews is more than just a great place to vomit.  It’s also, by all standard definitions, a shopping mall.

The centerpiece has to be Brookstone.  I mean, that place is totally awesome.  At least I think it is…to be quite honest, I don’t really know what they sell there.  Is it back massagers and flasks?  That just doesn’t sound right.  I think I saw an elliptical machine, but I think I also saw bathrobes.  I do know that everyone who works their wears an apron.  Is it maybe a slaughterhouse?  That place is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma surrounded by foot baths and grilling equipment.

The Mall St. Matthews also has several stores with no lighting that play really beat-intensive music at soul crushing volumes.  Some of these stores choose not to display their name which adds to the whole hipster-cool vibe.  Then again, based on the dank and ominous store design, best popularized in the 1978 film The Deer Hunter, it wouldn’t surprise me to find out they run Russian roulette matches out of a hidden back room.  So maybe the naming thing is intentional.

Also, in spite of what the four ladies who walked behind me said repeatedly, the whole mall does not smell like “a tanker full of Falls City exploded at a petting zoo.”

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