Christmas Shopping World Tour: Mall St. Matthews Edition [Humor]


Does it have a Hot Topic?  Of course they do.  Where else would you expect a totally authentic anti-establishment store that sells reasonably priced designer punk and goth gear to well-to-do families to operate successfully than an east end shopping mall?  As any emo kid will tell you, Nickelback shirts don’t grow on trees.

Melt Down for the Ages:  As a former employee of the Mall, parking close was never an issue for me as I knew of a secret entrance next to a secret parking lot. 

I even made up the name of a store I worked at in case anyone ever tried to stop me (“Sorry officer, but I’m late to my job at Renaissance Dude, the east end’s finest source for doublets, pantaloons, and chain mail!  Renaissance Dude – because sometimes going to a park dressed as a make-believe pirate is just as good as talking to a woman!”).

But then mall security started c-blocking my way in, which means I’m now forced to drive around aimlessly like the rest of the hoi polloi.  When I did find a parking space, my car was so far away I needed a Sherpa to get me to Dillards.

There is nothing more frustrating than trying to get from Shelbyville Road into the actual mall parking lot.  By the time you find a spot, you’ve transformed into a giant human spasm of rage and despair.  If there has ever been a solid argument for the implementation of wormhole technology, it is the Mall St. Matthews.

Final Rating:  When you’re hung over, all you want is a greasy fish sandwich.  When you’re bored, all you want to do is beat a kid’s ass at giant chess.  And when you’re desperate for a last second Christmas gift for your mom, all you want is a wicker replica of a Griffin fighting a Minotaur.  Yet for some reason, the Mall St. Matthews can’t provide any of these.   I give it one deeply furrowed brow followed by one very loud “WTF?”


Photo courtesy of the Mall St. Matthews

About Patrick Fawcett
When I was a boy, I met Darth Vader at Raceland Mall. I also got to hug a Jawa. I have spent everyday since then chasing that high.
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