Cloned Triple Crown winners racing off at this year's Derby (AF)

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Since the heads and hooves of winning racehorses are buried with honors, modern science has been able to acquire the DNA of all 11 Triple Crown winners for a single ultimate race to determine the best horse in history.

A Churchill Downs press officer confidentially told Louisville.com "It's supposed to be a surprise. Another round on you? Blantons this time. I like the pony on top of the cork. It goes clippity cloppety! Oh, horses, yeah, we're racing clones of Sir Barton, Gallant Fox, Omaha, War Admiral, Whirlaway, Count Fleet, Assault, Citation, Secretariat, Seattle Slew, Affirmed, and Seabiscuit. What? Yeah...er... I know Seabiscuit isn't a winner, but Toby MacGuire promised to wear an eye patch and ride him around the track if we had him cloned. How could I turn that down?"

The cloned horses were originally resurrected for stud duties. According to Dr. Schrodinger of BioInfinity Labs, the horses are both the best mankind had bred and completely useless until someone observes them race. Therefore, they approached Churchill Downs to settle the question under track conditions they couldn't replicate in the lab.

Dr. Schrodinger also had some advice for eager betters attempting to pick a trifecta for this historic race. "All outcomes are equally probable, but if I was a betting man I'd put my money on Secretariat. Seabiscuit shouldn't even be in this race. The only way that horse could win was if someone spliced in some cheetah DNA."

Breeders interested in breeding mares with the Triple Crown winners can contact Dr. Schrodinger at 888-STUD4ME.
About ChrisRachael Oseland
You're welcome to stalk my 22 First Dates and other random shenanigans on my personal blog.

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