2012 marks the moment where Black Friday, the official celebration of waiting in line at midnight to buy cheap goods for no real reason than to do so, pulled Thanksgiving into its event horizon, transmuting a once-traditional family holiday into Black Thanksgiving.
Beginning at 8 p.m. local time this Thursday, Walmart and Target will open its doors to the huddled masses, followed by other big box stores and malls such as Oxmoor Center and The Summit in the hours thereafter. Unfortunately, this means that – barring a strike – employees of the biggest retailers will have to depart earlier before everyone else just to prepare for the onslaught this annual dark carnival of the soul brings.
Want to know how to dress for the occasion? Then here are a few ideas for your consideration on this blackest of nights (other than a straightjacket, anyway).
Temps will reach into the upper 40s before dawn breaks, so you might want to don a wool military coat, a classic trench or a puffy jacket. Underneath it all, a cozy cowlneck or turtleneck in cashmere is always wonderful, with merino wool a close second.
If you have short hair like Miley Cyrus, you won’t need to heed this advice; everyone else, consider doing your hair in either a knotted fauxhawk or chignon. After all, this debauchery of consumerism has led – and will lead to – actual combat; keeping your hair up creates less of a target for grabby hands. Also: No earrings. Trust me on this one.
Finally, for the lower section of your body, keep things close to the legs – again, grabby hands – such as woolen tights paired with a pencil skirt in oxblood (not human), or a pair of cozy plaid pants tucked in a pair of white equestrian or rain boots. That’s right: it’s supposed to rain in the early morning hours on Black Friday, so rain boots should be considered.
Where should you go to find these pieces? Rodes, Clay & Cotton and Clodhoppers are a few retailers to consider spending your money; call ahead for hours before heading out this morning, of course.
Of course, you could just stay home and enjoy some turkey. Or maybe document the Black Friday mass, add some random news footage, set the whole thing to "War Ensemble" by Slayer, and post the results on YouTube. Whatever makes the most sense to you, my dear readers.
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