Grading the Derby celebrities [Kentucky Derby]

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By Josh Cook

Was it just me, or were the celebrities who attended this year's Kentucky Derby lacking serious star power?

Sure there were one or two exceptions, but most of the so-called "celebs" who came into town last weekend for the parties and the races had me searching Google to find out who they were and/or what they've done.

So since I had to do some homework on them I decided to grade the celebrities who were in town. Here are the results:

'A'

Justin Timberlake - Even heterosexual men have to admit, JT is bringing sexy back. And if they can't do that then they have to respect the way he's plowed through a field of hot Hollywood females.

'B'

Diane Lane - If this was 2002 and the hallway scene from Unfaithful was still fresh in our memory then she would make our 'A' list. But let's face it her husband, Josh Brolin (who'll also be Brand from The Goonies to us) has had better movie roles (i.e. No Country for Old Men & Milk) the last few years.

Tom Brady - America's crush on the Patriots' quarterback isn't what it used to be. Drew Brees has replaced him as the "it" NFL player.

John Calipari - He's not really a national celeb, but he's definitely a rock star in this state. Of course he would've carried more cache if he would've guided UK to the national championship...or at least the Final Four.

'C'

Terry O'Quinn - 'Lost' is winding down, so his star is never going to be brighter, however we have to wonder...was that really him, or was it the Smoke Monster?

Johnny Weir - He didn't even medal at the 2010 Winter Olympics, but he's the most recognizable figure skater in this country (apologies to Evan Lysacek) thanks to his flamboyant personality and outfits. He dude knows how to market himself.

John Wall - Like Coach Cal he's definitely a rock star in the state, but he'll have more of a national profile after he's the first pick in June's NBA Draft or next year's NBA Rookie of the Year.

Jamie Pressly - We love a hot Southern girl even if 'My Name Is Earl' isn't on anymore...it isn't, is it?

Nick Lachey - He was more relevant when he was married to Jessica Simpson.

Ashlee Simpson - She was more relevant when she was just "Jessica Simpson's sister" instead of married a Fall Out Boy.

'D'

Jackson brothers (Tito, Jackie, Marlon) - They were the Jackson 5 for a reason...because Michael was the only one with talent. P.S. Where was Jermaine?

Fred Willard - He's a little past his prime, but he gets relevancy points because he was on last Wednesday's episode of the hilarious show 'Modern Family.'

Marisa Miller - We've seen her in Victoria's Secret catalogs and the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, but we've never heard her speak. And we're not sure who this d-bag with her was.

Ken Davitian - Who? You probably know him better as Azamat, the big guy who wrestled naked with Sacha Baron Cohen in Borat. However he was one of our celeb run-ins.

Mario Lopez - If this was the early 1990s and he was accompanied by Zack, Screech, Kelly and the rest of the 'Saved by the Bell' cast he would be a B-lister at best.

Ruben Studdard - How many years has it been since he won 'American Idol'? Seven (don't worry we had to look it up too). What, was Clay Aiken busy?

Maria Menounos - Sure she's hot, but her biggest claim to fame is 'Entertainment Tonight' and some correspondence work on 'The Today Show.' If she wants to move up this list by next year she better have a sex tape leak out. 

Oscar Nunez - 'The Office' is a popular TV show, but we have to settle for a D-list star from that show. Where's Steve Carell, Rainn Wilson, John Krasinski or Jenna Fischer?

Terrell Owens - It must be nice to be unemployed and still be considered important.

Guy Fieri - He's an A-lister on the Food Network, but his 'Minute To Win It' show on NBC is D-list worthy.

'F'

Larry Birkhead - He and his frosted tips can walk the red carpet all he wants, but he's no VIP.

Barry Bonds - There should be an asterisk by his name in the baseball record book, as well as his celeb status.

Dina Manzo - Don't know who she is? Maybe this will help - she's the hot one, not the crazy one from 'The Real Housewives of New Jersey.' And was part of Bravo's shameless self-promotion during the Oaks and Derby.

Bob Guiney - Why does the former 'Bachelor' seem to come in town every year for the Derby? Because this is the only city that still recognizes him as a celebrity.

Seriously Louisville, let's see if we can do better next year.

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