A Guide to Germantown, by Yelp reviewers

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It's 2014. Who needs travel guides when you've got the reliable, objective, unbiased and always-sober people of Yelp to tell you all about your destination? This week, they tell you all about Germantown. In fact, after you're done reading this, you may feel as if you've already been there.


First stop: a little restaurant on Swan St. called Hammerheads:


Josh W. reviews the decor:
"The interior looks like a stoner's basement in mom and dad's house that has been converted into a bar with all of the decorations."



They have lots of meat and fried foods. Here's how Kirsten C liked hers:
"I'm usually adverse to such fatty foods, but God bless America. It is so good. That said, it's also really filling. I got about halfway through before the law of diminishing returns started kicking in. But I finished all of that artery-clogging piece of heaven, because I am a champ."



Nicholas L. will always remember his time there. As long as he doesn't wash his coat.
"Was hoping this place had a t-shirt or pint glass or something to remember it by, but I was awarded with an olfactory souvenir that still remains with me: because of how small this place is, my peacoat still strongly smells like Hammerheads, and I have no intention of having it dry cleaned anytime soon."


What? The wait is too long at Hammerheads? There's always Four Pegs:


Kathy V. had a near-sexual experience there:
"How have I gone 27 years without having the ecstasy of experiencing the wonder of POUTINE?!
Last night I had my first introduction to the super-food of fries smothered in cheese and gravy. Our table shared an order. Then we promptly decided that we needed a second order. If we hadn't been in public...I might have considered licking the bowl. Heavenly, I tell you."



So did Eric R when he tried the burger. ("The Shep" he's referring to is Shepherdsville.)
"I long for this piece of meat. Truly. I will probably never find myself in The Shep (or the surrounding area) ever again, and knowing I will never have this burger again makes it worse. I can replace it with other wonderful food, but this thing was out of this world, and I can never have it again.

I should write a love letter to this burger so it will know how deeply my soul longs for it's tender embrace. How much I miss the time we spent together, and how evil the world is for introducing us, and then making it impossible for us to ever be together again..."



Apparently, Barry Y pregamed a little too hard and hallucinated that Four Pegs has a wine and liquor license:
"Four Pegs !  Great bar with small menu.  Very welcoming.  Sat at the bar but tables by the door are the place to sit.  Long beer list, Johnny Drum bourbon (a 10+) and good wines.  Smitty owner and Rachel bartender.  Try it out !  It's new.  Germantown.  It has a great neighborhood bar feel."


For drinks after dinner, there's the Nachbar:


Apparently, the beer was Melanie K.'s poetic muse:
"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence,
That two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I chose the one with Nachbar on it."


Matt R. enjoyed the company of the animals.
"Nachbar" is Deutsch for "neighbor", an apt name. They fill you with delicious beer, which is very neighborly. Dogs and cats sniff at your feet (or crotch), also neighborly."



Jess H. apparently didn't have a very good experience. Wonder if she reviewed the clinic she visited for that  new STD.
"Buy some sweet tea vodka, set up a few chairs in your backyard, invite a rando group of acquaintances over, and you'll be in your own little Nachbar without the worry of waking up in the morning next to a stranger with a handlebar mustache and a new STD."




If a night of greasy food and drinking leaves you in need of some Pepto-Bismol and Gatorade the next day, visit the friendly Germantown Kroger:


Kevin O. is a fan. Kind of.
"There's always an interesting mix of people at the Goss avenue Kroger.  Hipsters, Germantown folk, Yuppies, etc. frequent the establishment.  It's not bad though, and I would rather go here than the one on 2nd street of Oak any day.  I at least don't feel like it's prison yard rules here and have to take down the biggest M@#! in the place.

My only complaint is the one cashier who looks like I just personally insulted his mother.  I mean, maybe you don't like being here, but I'm not being a jerk so let's just act as though we like each other for the next 15 minutes.  Actually, I think I just described my dating philosophy as well.  C'est la vie."



Jori G. likes it too.
"Honestly, I haven't spent a lot of time at this Kroger, BUT they are the only one who regularly makes their Thai Chicken Salad (aka: crack). Their chef flirts me with, too. Score!"



Whitney R. may or may not have still been drunk when she wrote this. She "thought this was the nest bit not anymore."
"I used to love going to this kroger it was fast and friendly the service you received was beyond awesome. Until they put the kroger liquor store next to it and then they hired nothing but teenage punks and brats. They are slower I mean 10 times slower than before and the service you get now knees shitty they are rude and don't bother to talk at all even when you try. Go to a different one o thought this was the nest bit not anymore. Good luck!!"



 

About Amy Talbott
Piscean. INFJ. Cat person. Runner. Mediocre housekeeper. Excellent cook. Scours the sleaze on Craigslist so you don't have to.
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