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Contrary to my humble expectations, I had a fun evening at the on Saturday. The strategy is, of course, spend more time with the animals than other people. But rather than dwell on the lovely time I had with my wife and our 4.5-month fetus, let's move on to the negative: it's 2009, this is the Internet, and snark sells. Some observations: Want your pregnant wife to feel good about her size? Take her to the Kentucky State Fair where she'll come across as svelte. She'll also enjoy the cooking demonstration from a Dairy Queen chef. I'm buying stock in the manufacturer of Pepcid--brilliant marketing strategy putting a tent near Mike Linning's. I'm also buying stock in whatever company manufactures sleeveless shirts for the under 7 and male crowd. (Can a Scott Baio comeback be far off?) My wife beat me 2-1 in picking the winners of heifer contests. And that's without the heifers she should have spotted me because she's from West Virginia. My flaw in judging? I continually failed to consider teat size. What do the other farmers think about the ranchers who raise the miniature ponies? While there were fewer sightings of little boys with boobs than expected, the number was still greater than the ideal amount of zero. Male animal contests are more enjoyable to watch than female ones. Is there a deduction in the heifer pageant for a competitor that takes a dump? The Kentucky Fish and Wildlife Department's booth had a banner advertising that "Kentucky ranks fourth nationally for the number of Boone and Crockett trophy deer taken by hunters." Does that status offset Kentucky being 38th in educational effectiveness? Looking at the amassed mass of people in UK and UofL clothing, perhaps the rivalry should be best settled once and for all with a pie-eating contest. For more information: It's Monday night, which means Subrosa Gypsy Courtyard at Diamond's. (Photo: Zach Everson)

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About Zach Everson

Senior editor at MapQuest. Previously, freelance writer: WSJ, enRoute, Eater, USA Today, CNT, BlackBook, Gridskipper. Boston born. Kentucky Colonel. Also, I was director of content and editorial strategy for Louisville.com.

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