In the wake of the widespread violence and mayhem occurring across the country - including Louisville’s Jefferson Mall - over the re-release of the Air Jordan tennis shoe, local business owner Wayne “Cookie Dough” Peters has publicly expressed his confusion over local apathy regarding an even rarer piece of athletic gear.
“Jordan’s shoes been ‘round long time,” muttered Peters, “but how many kids can say they got a pair of Air Goatmans?”
Named after uber-celebrity and local urban myth the Pope Lick Goatman, a half-man/half-goat creature who wanders around the Pope Lick Train Trestle murdering people and generally acting awesome, this rare shoe has suddenly resurfaced just in time to slightly miss the holiday season.
Designed by the Peruvian shoe manufacturer Nikee (“Just Do That!”), the poorly made product closely resembles a worn-out boot with a picture of a goat taped to it. Although studies have shown no evidence that the shoe will actually enhance athletic performance, there is a pretty solid chance you might break an ankle or at best, develop a really bad case of Plantar Fasciitis.
The shoe was initially released in 1982, shortly after the Goatman led his Highview Baptist intramural basketball squad to the league championship, a 62-57 nail-biter over a team of school teachers who spent the majority of the game fearing they might get murdered by a goat monster with mad hops. Rumor has it that several times during that tournament, the Goatman messed around and got a triple-double, which later provided the inspiration for Ice Cube’s hit, “It Was a Good Day.”
However, the shoe eventually faded into oblivion after Nikee was only able to secure two celebrity endorsements: child actor Andrew Koenig (who would later achieve world wide acclaim for his elegant performance as Boner on the 1980's hit show “Growing Pains”) and Jamaal “Baby Goatman” Popajovic, who claimed to be a star forward for the Houston Rockets, but was really just a tall dude who worked the day shift at Fern Bowl and had an aptitude for successfully bullsh*ting naïve Peruvian shoe manufacturers.
In a move that no one really understands or asked for, Nikee has decided to re-release this nostalgia-inducing trainwreck. Retailing at $683 per shoe, Air Goatmans are available only at Cookie Dough's Shoe and Bait Shop, located on Taylorsville Road, somewhere around where that old Skate World used to be.
Said Peters, “I’ve got 300 pairs of Air Goatmans, and I ain’t got no riots neither.”
“I’ve also got a gang of Peruvians who plan to stab me real hard if I don’t unload these shoes, so get your asses down here real quick like, please.”
Photo "created" by Patrick Fawcett