Please learn from my mistakes and the mistakes of others. Thunder (if you do it right!) is an all day affair, where you will be out in the elements, walking around all over the place, stuck in traffic for hours, surrounded by families and singletons and groups of middle school girls that magically get skankier looking every year. Here are a few tips on how not to dress:
1. Short skirts and short booty shorts
Unless it is blisteringly hot and you are extremely thin, keep the shorts long enough to avoid your upper thighs rubbing together and creating chub rub. Don't lie. This has happened to you. We are just coming out of a winter full of Christmas candy and Valentine's day chocolates, no shame. Also, nobody wants to see your undies as you sprawl out on a tarp or an errant wind stirs your skirt up. If you do choose to wear a short skirt, wear biker shorts underneath so you don't have to mess with it all day.
2. Bikini tops
Don't. Just don't. It's so tacky.
3. Anything with profanity, offensive slogans or suggestive cartoons
Don't forget this is a family affair. If you wouldn't want to see a six year old or your grandma wearing what you're wearing...don't wear it.
4. Cutoff jorts on men
This is the male version of a bikini top in public.
5. Bare Feet
I don't care if your flip flop broke (don't wear flip flops!) are you serious right now? Do not walk barefoot. There are beer bottle shards, gravel bits and probably heroin needles strewn about. If you were stupid enough to wear heels, leave them on.
6. Something nice and tailored you actually care about
This isn't Derby and you're not Miss America. You're probably going to get dirty and rumpled.
7. Uncomfortable Shoes of any kind
Cowboy boots with a heel, flip flops or sandals that rub you the wrong way, heels of any kind, tennis shoes a bit too tight, or crocs are all terrible choices. Have good walking shoes!
8. A plastic poncho
You look ridiculous. Get a raincoat.
9. Visible Underwear of any kind
Pull up those saggy jeans. Whale tail is not acceptable, girls. As stated before, this is a fun family affair. If you just HAVE to show off your rubber ducky boxers or your charming hot pink thong, Fourth Street is a few blocks away. I suggest you pick up your Natty Light and stagger over there.
10. No shirt
Sorry guys, unless you look like a cast member of Magic Mike we do not want to see your protruding belly or scraggly chest hairs. Them's the rules.
All photos courtesy of shutterstock