With Christmas season upon us, it seems like the right time to offer a quick tour of the area’s local shopping establishments. Last week, we looked at Southern Indiana’s Green Tree Mall . This week we turn our attention to Oxmoor Center, which in 1986 was named “Rad-est Mall” by both Nick Rhodes AND Simon LeBon of Duran Duran.
Oxmoor Center – Louisville, KY
PROS: As everyone knows, the word Oxmoor is German for “Bovine Game Preserve.” True to form, the Oxmoor Center lives up to its well-earned tradition as Kentucky’s number one place to shoot cows trapped in an enclosed pen. You’d think such a thing would be out of place at an east end shopping mall, but for some reason, it works. As the old saying goes, “Shopping at Oxmoor is so easy, it’s like shooting ox in a moor!”
Even if you are not looking to shoot a cow, Oxmoor still has plenty to offer, such as stores that sell things and stuff. Some of them even sell things and/or stuff that a reasonable human being might want.
For example, have you ever looked at a room in your home or court-appointed half-way house and thought, “You know what would really tie this room together? An oversized Disorderlies movie poster (featuring 1980’s rap sensation the Fat Boys).” Well if that sounds like you then visit Posterman, conveniently located on Oxmoor’s spacious and rarely visited second floor.
Oxmoor is also home to Club Tabby, which is a great place to take your daughter if you want to see her have a complete emotional breakdown brought on by sensory overload. It’s like going to a rave hosted by Hello Kitty, but instead of Extacy, everyone’s hopped up on hair scrunchies and Selena Gomez beats. This is also a hotspot for 40 year-old women who want to get a stylish and age-appropriate feather weaved into their hair, because in no way is that look geared specifically at eight year old girls.
Finally, there is a Taylor Trunk. You heard me – Taylor F’ing Trunk. That place has EVERYTHING – trunks, utility knives, globes. Straight up dopest store in the history of time. If you don’t get at least one gift from the Trunk, it’s because your family hates you and wishes they’d sold you to the circus like they planned to back in 1972.
CONS: There was a time when Oxmoor was the most fashionable spot in Jefferson County. We’re talking feathered hair, blue jean jackets, Tretorn kicks, and Swatches as far as the eye can see. Apparently that’s not the case anymore, which is a real kick in the ass as I spent 20 minutes in the parking lot trying to expertly tight roll my jeans for nothing.
I’d also like to take issue with a store called Corn Toss USA. It’s nothing but a bunch of dudes tossing bags of corn into holes cut into wood, for points no less. That sounds more like Corn Toss Russia to me. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but that name just seems a bit deceptive. So for the record, if you’re genuinely looking to have your corn tossed, I do not recommend Corn Toss USA (by that same logic, I can’t recommend the curiously named BJ’s Restaurant either).
Speaking of deceptive, can you believe Oxmoor has the gall to open a Pantera Bread and not in any way honor the late Dimebag Darrell? Next to heavy metal and weed, there is nothing that guy loved more than gourmet sandwiches served on freshly baked bread. How dare you Oxmoor Center! (Edit: It’s possible I may have misunderstood the name of the restaurant. My apologies to Panera Bread and the Dimebag family).
Does it have a Hot Topic? Unfortunately, no. But it does have a store called Soma, which despite its name, is not a place to buy off-brand sleeping pills. I can’t say I’m familiar with their entire inventory (although I’m certain they don’t sell sporting goods ), but if the mannequins they use are any indication, I’m pretty sure their products are most effective when coupled with a pair of gigantic boobies. If you have a lady in your life who is physically gifted enough to enjoys gifts from Soma, I strongly recommend that you hold onto her – with both hands – and never let her go.
And for the record, they will not let you borrow one of their mannequins for the weekend. Not that I asked or anything.
Melt Down for the Ages: For years, the only reason I went to Oxmoor Center was to get my sing on at Star Tracks – a little karaoke store on the second floor that offered its patrons a chance to croon loudly and poorly over any number of crappy 80’s tunes. I still have a Polaroid of me in a white Miami Vice-style jacket belting out “Smuggler’s Blues” or some similarly turdish song.
Much to my surprise, Star Tracks is now gone, replaced by a 1 Potato 2. Cue emotional breakdown in 3…2…1.
As I stood there, perched atop a table, surrounded by bewildered families not interested in being serenaded by a nostalgia-induced mental patient, tightly grasping my baked potato like a microphone, violently sobbing while magnificently performing Night Ranger’s “Sister Christian”, I thought to myself, “Wow – I never knew mall security had access to such a potent brand of pepper spray.” VIVA LA STAR TRACKS!
Final Rating: Although Oxmoor Center still gets it done on some fronts (once again, mad props for the opportunity to shoot a cow), one gets a sense that maybe its better days are behind it, having lost the spark that made it such a go to spot in the past - just like your mom. Further exacerbating the issue is that unlike your mom, there seems to be a total lack of understanding on how to properly toss corn, despite its claims to the contrary. I give it two popped collars out of a possible five.
Photo by Patrick Fawcett