My wife hit the nine-month mark in her pregnancy earlier this week. So here is some insight into spring training for parenthood (from an admittedly bad source).
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- A guy's biological usefulness ends at insemination; keep that in mind when you realize you're not getting as much attention as you're used to.
- While watching your wife get an ultrasound, compliment her on her cervix.
- A fun way to kill time in a Kentucky OB/GYN office's waiting room is to look for mothers sitting with their teenage daughters and guess which one is pregnant.
- You'll receive oodles of contradictory advice on how to parent from new moms, much of it coming from women holding screaming children with snot dripping out by the bucket load.
- Other pregnant ladies and new moms will want to engage you in hours of talk about baby accessories. Get yourself out of these conversations by repeatedly confusing products like Bumbo, Moby, Chicco and Gracco. If they correct you, make the mistake again. Nothing is more amusing than a new mom unable to engage a person in conversation in the wonders of overpriced baby crap.
- The best way to register for baby stuff: have a friend whose parenting skills you trust do it for you. Nine months in, I've spent just 20 minutes at Baby's R Us.
- Openly sharing your ideal birthing story is ok; openly sharing your ideal conception story is not.
- Should an ultrasound reveal a gender not to your liking, there is a wide range of proper responses. Palpable disappointment is not among them.
- For big laughs, in front of your wife ask your mom if she has any suggestions for how you should season the placenta.
- When a woman in her 70s lifts up the back of your wife's jacket to see if she's showing in the rear (she's not), the proper response is to later hug your wife and make an empathetic statement. Comments about cross-generational lesbian affairs are inappropriate.
- Don't get excited about your wife's nesting; her energies won't be directed towards any part of the house you care about.
- If you're going to ridicule pregnancy, do it just before your wife is due in the hopes that she'll forget what you wrote once the baby comes.
(Photo: Zach Everson