This article appears in the November 2010 issue of Louisville Magazine. To subscribe, please visit loumag.com.
We asked higher-ups in the athletic department at the University of Louisville where famous locals would be sitting in the new arena. The response: “That’s not something we share.” So we’ve gone a different route, creating a quiz to find out if you’ll be landing a decent seat. The more points you score, the more likely you’ll be sitting courtside.
1. It's before Election Day and your name is…?
A. Abramson (+10)
B. Fischer (+5)
C. Heiner (+5)
D. Green (-2)
2. It’s after Election Day and your last name is…?
A. Abramson (-15)
B. Fischer or Heiner (+10 or -10, depending on who’s mayor. Sorry, boys, only one seat available.)
C. Green (-2)
3. Are you Tyler Allen?
(+2 if yes, but only if Heiner wins)
4. How will you get to the arena?
A. By bike (+2)
B. By bus (+2)
C. I’ll park downtown. (Haha, good luck. -2)
D. I’ll watch on TV. (0)
5. The arena looks like…?
(select all that apply)
A. A fax machine (-2. Check again if you don’t believe us.)
B. A whale (-2)
C. I miss Freedom Hall. (-2)
D. The place where Justin Bieber’s rocked my world Nov. 10. Bieber fever! (-15)
E. A megachurch where I’ll worship the Cardinals. (+5)
6. How much work do you get done if the Cards’ first-round March Madness game is during business hours?
(Subtract the number of hours worked during game time from the number of hours spent watching the game.)
7. Are you a member of the extended Brown family?
A. Yes (+10)
B. No (-5)
C. I’m thinking of marrying in. (+3)
8. Are you a U of L student?
A. Yes (+2)
B. No (-2)
C. Yes, and I’m also in the Brown family. (+5)
9. Which My Morning Jacket member are you?
A. Jim James (+5)
B. Yim Yames (-5)
10. U of L athletic director Tom Jurich asks: Who’s your all-time favorite U of L football coach?
A. Charlie Strong! (+2)
B. Steve Kragthorpe (-2)
C. Bobby Petrino (-5)
D. Howard Schnellenberger (-10. Sorry, we have enough gray-hairs in the seats.)
E. Trick question, Darrell Griffith. (+5)
11. Do you work for Dismas Charities?
(+5 if yes)
(-15 if yes)
13. Is your last name Pitino?
A. Yes (+20)
B. No (+5, only if you’ll never again mention Porcini)
14. Finish this cheer: C-A-…
A. R-D-S! (+1)
B. L-I-P-A-R-I! (-3)
15. Who is the all-time best Kentucky Derby winner?
A. Secretariat (0)
B. Trick question, Darrell Griffith. (+5)
16. Are you Calvin Borel?
(+5 if yes and you’re cool with sitting near a rail.)
17. The KFC Double Down is…
A. Disgusting (-1)
B. Just ’cause the sandwich gave me one heart attack doesn’t mean I can’t eat another. (+1)
18. I love Cards basketball more than…
(+1 for each)
B. Horse racing
C. Hunter S. Thompson
D. Abraham Lincoln
E. Muhammad Ali
F. My spouse
19. If UK is not playing U of L, I root for the Wildcats…
A. Always (-5)
B. Sometimes (-2)
C. Never (+2)
20. Ashley Judd is…?
A. A talented actress (0)
B. The best UK fan in the land (-5)
21. In the past three years, how many times have you had season tickets?
(+2 for each year)
22. Oh, you thought we were talking about football tickets?
(-2 for each year)
23. Are you willing to help John Schnatter cover up KFC’s arena logo with a Papa John’s banner?
(+2 if yes)
24. I’ve named a child after…
(+2 for each)
A. Terrence Williams
B. Angel McCoughtry
C. Denny Crum
D. Derek Smith
E. Milt Wagner
F. Pervis Ellison
G. Derrick Caracter (-2 if yes)
25. On a scale of 1 to 10, how happy were you when the Cards won the 1980 and 1986 NCAA championships?
(Add the total to your score, then subtract the number of times you’ve been truly happy since.)
- 50+: Your seat is so good you could sit on Pitino’s lap…though we would not recommend doing so.
- 25-49: Ah, so you’re a Brown. Must your family hog tickets to every event in town?
- 1-24: The Dismas Charities question did you in too, huh?
- 0 or less: Karen Sypher could use a new friend on the curb.
Photo: Louisville Magazine