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    (This article is rated R. Sorry, kinda had to. Reader discretion is advised.)

    Come on, baby. Let’s keep this alive. Been at this for 15 years, let’s find somewhere else to stick it. Not the ear again, let’s get serious. How ‘bout the poodle we adopted just now? Proof is in the pudding, we all know that one, and yes, baby, you know my pudding, but the poodle’s pudding! Tickle me tender! You put it in the pood while eyeing me intently. Nevermind the yelps. Yes, baby, yes... 

    How ‘bout that? You disgusted? Intrigued? Don’t mind me, I’m just mimicking the heat of summer. Nick Offerman (most famously as Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation) and his wife Megan Mullally’s (Will & Grace, The Megan Mullally Show) summer. “Summer of 69: No Apostrophes,” the couple’s comedy-variety show, which is hot. How hot is hot? Forget Batman, and fuck Superman (I’m sure they would), I’m talkin’ hotter than a furnace-in-the-crotch hot. (As Offerman sings in the couple’s opening guitar and ukulele-accompanied diddly (one song of many), “Put my hand in there (the crotch), it’ll melt my watch.") Hotter than a whore in church type o’ scorcher.

    And this couple! Must make whole churches cry to hear the words out this provocative duo’s mouths! The act is sex from the get go and sex till the end. Loss of virginity is broken down (sufficient cushions and a not-so-sufficient 13-year-old Offerman; 18 and independent Mullally in L.A. “nake” and on quaaludes). They back-and-forth list their favorite sexual positions from “Summer of 69” (heat of balls to the face; we know that Kentucky muggy!) to “Cake Boss” (“This (you can guess where she’s pointing) is the cake, and he’s the boss.”) to the musically inspired “Black Eyed Pee Pees” and “Red Hot Chili Peckers.” They sing about sexing other celebrities, the gliterrati's vagina. Oh, lawd, the churches! They burn with flames of expletives, poked by a poker so horny. They finally explode when the couple sings about a different kind of nailing Jesus, who's tied up nice on that cross. 

    You can tell by the way Offerman and Mullally giggle at each other throughout the show that they keep their 15-year "Hollywood aka H-Town" relationship fresh with their wild pandering. "This is not entertainment, this is intimate," one says. They are wild, in love. Isn’t this what love’s about, the fun? So what if fun is a little nasty sometimes? So what if it’s downright perverted? Don’t the two hit the nails on the head (which one!), and drive those nails right into the wood of your brain? So what if it leaves you a bit uncomfortable? Don’t it beat the socks off masturbation?

    Relationship fresh, routine fresh. They keep their routine at The Palace Theatre fingered on the outrage. They keep it new with all that audience participation. The two “marry” a random couple center stage. Make us pick sides in a long-held grudge between them (because even this power couple gots probs). When Offerman and Mullally break up on stage, Mullally goes on a date with an audience member, some dude in a button-up and tie. It’s sexualized, a little awkward, a “jealousy” stunt. Eventually Offerman wins his gal back with a comment on the potential suitor’s shoes: “You can’t tie somebody up with slip-on loafers.”

    After this show, a whole newly-sexualized world. That's the goal. Offerman wants you to notice the world, the squirrels. The squirrels giving tiny hand jobs.

    Photo courtesy of Glenn Hirsch

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    About Arielle Reyna Christian

    Oh me! Just a screamer and dreamer. Poet, know it. Righter writer. Too much wordplay is good for the soul. Arts all around. Hooty hoo!

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