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    Despite being open for several weeks, as well as dominating the Facebook pages of everyone he knows like it was the second coming of cats haz’ing cheezburgers or some such foolishness, New Albany resident and raging idiot Pat Fawcett still believes Trader Joe’s is a sporting goods store.

    Said Fawcett, “That’s the place with the rock climbing wall, right?,” demonstrating that not only does he not realize it’s a fancy grocery, but that he’s also confusing it with either an Incredible Dave’s or a YMCA.

    When confronted with the truth about the earth-shattering super store that has reignited Louisville’s love affair with pre-packaged meals and cheap wine, Fawcett’s response was simple.


    Further complicating the situation is that over the past twenty years, Fawcett has rarely stepped inside either a sporting goods or a grocery store, leading those around him to question whether he really understands what products either provides.  

    (Over that same time, Fawcett has made literally thousands of visits to local comic book stores and pizza buffets, and during a two year period in the late 1990s, he spent every Saturday at Jock’s Bar and Grill watching college football, leading to hours of complaining that there must be something wrong with the beer they sold considering he always threw up when he got home.)

    Added his unfortunate wife, Tracey, “I wouldn’t be surprised if he also thought Kroger’s was a sporting goods store.  He’s just that stupid.”

    Fawcett’s mother, Donna, is equally confused by her son’s ignorance, considering he doesn’t even have to visit the store, he can just look it up on the freaking internet, which you’d think would be simple enough considering he’s a lazy slug of a man who spends all day on it anyway taking online quizzes and Googling pictures of JoBeth Williams instead of making his mother proud by doing something worthwhile, like curing diabetes or starting a smooth jazz band.

    “When I mentioned Trader Joe’s had a great selection of cheeses, he tried to convince me I had it confused with Subway.  I mean, it’s an actual place that anyway could easily see is not a sporting goods store.  I don’t know -  maybe if I told him Wolverine shopped there he’d go see for himself.”

    For whatever reason, Fawcett is steadfast in his misguided belief.

    Argues Fawcett, “With a name like Trader Joe’s, it has to be a sporting goods store.  I mean, the name says it all.”  Which makes total sense if you consider the number of times in your life YOU’VE gone to a sporting goods store and traded a used volleyball for a pair of Umbros.  

    Since it opened its doors at the Shelbyville Road Plaza, Trader Joe’s has been a runaway success making something like seventy-eight billion dollars a day, supplying shoppers with either an impressive assortment of food and drink or unparalleled savings on grappling gear and fungo bats.

    “I have had the itch to play badminton lately,” said Fawcett loudly to no one in particular.  “Maybe I’ll pay a visit to ol’ Trader Joe’s.”

    Not surprisingly, Fawcett also believes Bass Pro Shop sells car stereos and openly wonders how Dick’s is able to legally operate outside the state of Nevada.

    ​Photo courtesy of Trader Joe's

    Patrick Fawcett's picture

    About Patrick Fawcett

    When I was a boy, I met Darth Vader at Raceland Mall. I also got to hug a Jawa. I have spent everyday since then chasing that high.

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