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    Scanning the personals section of Louisville Craigslist, many fun things things came up. Nothing exceeded the hilarity of this missed connection. This is the ad, straight up, with my witty commentary in bold.

    They say everything happens for a reason. 

    You were walking thru the Italian fest. I was cramming a cannoli into my mouth. My sunglasses concealing my eyes as they went into high speed data collection. 

    In a micro second I had downloaded your image into my spank bank and began to make adjustments to the portrayal as each body part revealed more as it moved, glided and swayed. A masterpiece. 

    Thats what I whispered to the mirror glass nearby. You looked good as well. How sweet. A very attractive man (I'm sure) with self esteem, who takes the time to notice the curvature and art of a woman's body.

    As your ass came into view I kinda got excited at the prospect of having sex with it and well, I started to choke on my cannoli. At first I thought I could cough it up but it got lodged. 

    I was okay but barely breathing

    . I'm sure this is not the first cannoli you've choked on.

    Whatever attempt I was making to be discreet however gave way to the increasing need to take in oxygen. It's amazing what panic will do to the brain. I have an image of this self assured man waving his arms and flopping all over the ground, while still attempting to check himself out in the mirror, to make sure he doesn't mess up his air.

    Thankfully your boyfriend asked if I needed assistance. He assumed (correctly I might add) that my pissing of my own pants was an exaggerated form of "Yes!" and proceeded to Heimlich maneuver half eaten pastry from my windpipe. You're lucky. Generally someone pissing their pants results in me giving them a wide berth.

    I'm not exactly certain as to why you were standing in front of me as I was preoccupied with maintaining consciousness. But as you might have guessed, the pastry came out, right into your face. 

    You were so stunned, that a piece slowly fell from your chin and onto your cleavage without you moving an inch. Even though I was heaving and coughing, I made sure to copy that image into the spank bank as well. This spank bank is full to the brim, isn't it?

    So, I'm here all alone now in my bean bag chair thinking of my cannoli cream exploding onto your face. Feeling rather proud and aroused I might add as I replay endlessly our destined encounter. Only you would feel proud and horny about throwing up into a girl's face. Well, I'm sure she liked it(!)

    Your boyfriend is exceptionally strong and heroic but we both know he's not for you. We have already shared so much. I felt the bonding the moment your boyfriend offered his shirt to clean your face and you screamed "Just leave me alone". 

    You wanted to be with me but couldn't. Hush now. We'll be together soon. Once she reads this, I'm sure she'll message you ASAP.

    He chased after you so I never got your name. Her REAL name: Spank Bank Entry #5,301 & #5,302. 

    I'll just call you my rainbow spunk cookie, my mascarpone money shot, taster of the sweet Sicilian rod. 

    I'm falling to pieces 

    as I can't forget your festival filling facial. I'm sure she will never forget you, either, pookie.


    I do hope some of you will message this man, and congratulate him on his cannoli cream exploding into this girl's face. He really deserves a pat on the back. It's a great pick up line. When all other lines have failed, reference the spank bank, or throw up on them. One or the other is bound to work.

    Emily McGlawn's picture

    About Emily McGlawn

    I'm a student at University of Louisville, and I'm majoring in Liberal Studies, which is a design your own degree. My program is Integrative Marketing Communications in Entertainment. I'm a junior, hopefully with only two years left, though I do plan on getting my MBA from UofL. I'm marketing intern with the IT Dept at UofL as well. My major interests include nerdy things, such as tabletop roleplaying games, board games, LARPing, and reading. Recently, I have gotten involved as a skater for Derby City Roller Girls ( If you don't know what it is, look it up. It's the fastest growing sport in the world.

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